Friday 31 May 2013

How To Spot A Zombie (4)

4. Zombies always have bad-hair days.

It has been brought to my attention that I have zombified two dark skinned political people to one Caucasian.  Obviously this will not do.  I don't want to run into the trouble that cartoonist Al Nisbet did (here and here).  So in the time honoured way, I'll set things right by doing another Caucasian.  And a woman too - just to prove I'm not sexist either.

Right Julia?

(original image - www.news.com.au)

Tuesday 28 May 2013

How To Spot A Zombie (3)

3.  Zombies don't speak.  Instead they utter wails, moans or hiss with wide open mouths.  Zombies will do this with full mouths (of BRaaaaaiiiinnnssssss!).

Continuing my trend of zombification of political people, this is Hone.  He would like to eat your brains.

(original image www.waateanews.com)


Thursday 23 May 2013

The Ford Falcon folds it's wings

The much anticipated announcement has finally broken, production of the Ford Falcon will be discontinued from 2016.

Of course Ford nutters are horrified, the rest of the world won't be surprised.  You see the Falcon is a dinosaur.  An inefficient behemoth that is decades past it's use-by date.  I say this as a previous Ford owner - my very first car was a Cortina.

Now-days, Falcons can be roughly grouped into three categories:

Type I (car older than 10 years) - the car will be rough, lowered and on it's way to, or from a crime scene.  It will be driven by a shaven headed male Bogan who still thinks it's cool to do a burnout from every standing start.  Cops love these guys because they are too stupid to be difficult to catch.  Occasionally driven by the Bogan's skanky moll on her way to court, or Prison, to see her man.

Type II (less than 10 years old and driven aggressively) - these are driven almost exclusively by fat males who still think they're 21 and have ABs.  They drink too much, laugh too loud and are generally obnoxious people to be around.  They wear offensive shorts, have acres of pale flesh and are prone to road rage.  Their wives hate them.  If you're being aggressively tail-gaited by a Ford Falcon Ute chances are you're seeing a Type II.  Be very afraid.

Type III (any age Falcon in excellent condition).  A true enthusiast with a passion for the brand.  Most commonly seen on Sunday drives with the husband driving and the wife in the passenger seat.  They will be packing a thermos and actually use maps.  These people are fun to be around if you share their obsession, otherwise they tend to bore.  Their Falcon will be pristine or actively on it's way to becoming so.


How to spot A Zombie (2)

2. Zombies have weird eyes - and cannot be cured.  Not even by ObamaCare.





Monday 20 May 2013

Hillary is not British.

The Brits are the latest group to be inducted into my informal "Hall Of Journalistic Infamy".

It doesn't take much to get inducted.  All you have to do is publish rubbish.

The UK's own Daily Telegraph is the latest offender.  They have claimed Sir Ed Hillary as a Brit!  The offending article can be found here:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/science/space/10067613/Our-man-in-space.html

While it's true that the expedition to Everest was British, Ed Hillary is most certainly NOT.  He's one of us New Zealanders.  And we are rightly proud of him and his legacy.


The New Zealander Sir Ed Hillary  (image Stuff.co.nz)

It's noteworthy that Australians have also tried to claim Sir Ed.  C'mon Aussies, we gave you Russell Crowe so don't try to pinch our Ed.

Sunday 19 May 2013

Charcoal Pig

Here's another image I created with Paint.NET.  I was trying to fake a charcoal-like drawing, hence the title Charcoal Pig!



Enso circle

Had some fun today creating this.  No reason, other than I just wanted to help someone on the Paint.NET forum who was asking how it could be done.


Saturday 18 May 2013

Stuff.co.nz is keen on Zombies too!

A couple of Zombie stories have surfaced in the last few days:

Dead-keen-on-zombies

Zombie-tourism-heading-to-Auckland

(image: Tomsguide.com)

Marvelous to have the crew at Stuff joining the legion of Zombie fans!

This story on Stuff also caught my eye:  http://www.stuff.co.nz/national/health/8690278/Family-counts-blessings-after-superbug-scare

Wellington man Rick Teal had a nasty brush with the awesomely named necrotising fasciitis.  Rick survived and has some nasty scars to remind him of how lucky he was.

Why is this linked to my blog about Zombies?  Think about it.  This is the way the Zombie Apocalypse is going to start.  With hordes of people presenting in hospitals with necrotising fasciitis.

When people do start catching this flesh eating bug in droves I'm going to start preparing the barricades!


(image: therottingzombie.blogspot.com - cool name eh?)

Thursday 16 May 2013

Review: Espresso Garden Cafe (Rangiora, NZ)



Situated inside the building that houses Mitre10 Mega on the southern edge of Rangiora.


Atmosphere:

The cafe is small, with a handful of outdoor tables.  It is generally a quiet and peaceful place.  A nice place to have a mid-morning latte and a bite to eat.  

Because of it's location inside Mitre10, the cafe is a less obvious choice when seeking a cafe to travel to.  Instead it's more likely to be a place you visit when shopping in Mitre10.  The immediate area has no other choices of cafe.

The outdoor tables are a bit tired looking and occasionally rickety.  Pick a warm day to sit outside.

As seems to be the norm these days, local artworks can be found on the walls. 

Music is subtle and well chosen.  If you're lucky you might hear one of the senior staff sing a little of the song currently playing.  She has an excellent voice and I find the effect quite charming.  This is a relaxed place, not all bustle and noise.  So it is a great place to unwind a little.

At certain hours you'll be the only patrons present - I tend to like this.


Service:

Staff are courteous and friendly.  Nothing seems to bother them and you are made to feel very welcome.  Service is quick.


Drink:

Disappointingly, on our last visit the coffees were not as hot as usual.  This is not the norm as generally the coffees are quite good. Hopefully this was just a temporary glitch, but it will probably delay our next visit.


Food:

A good selection of hot and cold food is offered.  The food is of a high quality. 


Overall Rating: 

7/10 

Monday 13 May 2013

It's All Right...

The "It's All Right..." message has begun popping up all over Canterbury in a reaction to the emotional turmoil the earthquakes have caused.

 
 

This is a marvelous campaign, which does a lot to help.  The website is kind of cool, and packed with helpful advice.  You can even post your own tip on how you de-stress.  Find the website here: http://www.allright.org.nz/

Yesterday a number of It's All Right cards were delivered to my workplace.  We had a giggle over them and, you guessed it, had to write our own....

It's all Right...

To feel Underpaid.

To Feel Undervalued.

To Feel Overworked.

To Feel Treated like a Mushroom.

To Drink Heavily.

To Weep for No Reason.

To Dream of Running Amok with an Assault Rifle.

Yeah Right!

Warrior Aaron Gilmore demands Utu

Aaron Gilmore is completely unable to shut his mouth when he should do so.  So while he's making a dick of himself I feel that it is only proper that the media continues taking the Michael.

I present Warrior Gilmore, whose fierce visage and demands of 'utu' must have his opponents quaking in their boots.


Sunday 12 May 2013

The Natural Selection of Male Drivers


Excellent news!  Due to a high-speed crash in South Auckland over the weekend, four idiots are dead and the rest of us are, on average, a tiny bit safer on the roads.
People are calling this a tragedy.  It’s only so for the grieving families.  I don’t give a toss when young idiots wipe themselves out.  Let’s face it, we are all secretly pleased they didn't kill one of our family or some other innocent party.
Natural selection has judged the following and found them wanting…

   Dominic Stehlin, 19
   Uesitini Tootoo, 18
   George Lomia, 20
   Viane Gaga, 18

Astonishingly, a Stuff.co.nz article had us believe that the fourth victim (Gaga) died “peacefully some hours later” following his life support being switched off.  Ask yourself; is it possible to die peacefully from massive injuries while struggling to cling to life?
According to Police, the Honda the four were in was travelling at an estimated 160km/h and crashed into a parked ute.  I have some sympathy for the ute owner who is now without their vehicle through no fault of their own.
Counties Manukau District Commander Superintendent John Tims expressed frustration over the incident:
"There is a simple and persistent message to all drivers, especially young drivers, is that when police ask you to stop, please stop.”

Great advice which will continue to be ignored by the quick and the (soon to be) dead.

Saturday 11 May 2013

Weight loss secret revealed!

I don't know why, but this blog is getting a lot of hits from some sort of weight loss website.

I suspect that this is some sort of stupid spam thing, but because I'm a helpful kind of guy I'll give you my absolutely 100% successful tip on losing weight.

Al you need to do to lose weight is:

Eat less and exercise more


Simply really!

All you have to do is keep applying this golden rule and you WILL lose weight.  I'm living proof that this works - I have a BMI of 21 and can run 10km in less than 43 minutes.  Not bad for someone approaching 50.  I eat anything I please because I burn plenty of energy.


Now some stupid things fat people say to me:

1. I've tried all the diets.

You probably have, but you're still fat.  Now try my golden rule.  100% success guaranteed!

2. Have you lost weight?

No I haven't - but you certainly found some!  That's why I look slim beside you.

3. I can't exercise because I'm injured/fat/genetically unable to.

You can and should exercise.  Remember, you're dying faster than everyone who does.

4. I lose weight then put it back on.

You need to permanently change your lifestyle.  Eating is YOUR problem.  Admit it and start a new life today.

5. I can't lose weight.

That's true.  You can't.  That's because you're a glutton or lazy, or both.


Now before you get all miffed at me let me explain that I'm not a fat-ist.  I don't dislike fat people, or any people.  I enjoy the company of many people who are comfortable in their own skin.  What I don't like is whiners. 

Especially whiners who have the power to change in their very own hands.




Friday 10 May 2013

The last word on Gilmore




If it's true that NZ politics is a circus, then what does that make Aaron Gilmore?





You guessed it.


There's not mush room...

This series of images were taken in my backyard.  I'd like to present them as a tribute to all you employees who are subject to the "Mushroom" style of management (you're kept in the dark and fed bullshit).

Click the images to see a larger sized version. 

Isn't fungus amazing?











Thursday 9 May 2013

Circulation increasing

According to this blog's stats, I'm increasingly popular in Germany, USA and Russia!  An international audience.  How cool is that?

Delighted to have you as viewers.  Welcome!

  
EntryPageviews
New Zealand
554
Germany
180
United States
174
Russia
108
United Kingdom
89
South Korea
31
China
21
Australia
20
India
10
Philippines
10

Wednesday 8 May 2013

Plain Talking - May

"Aaron Gilmore is a waste of political space."
~ Patrick Gower, Political Editor 3News


"I knew something was wrong when a pretty white girl ran into a black man's arms."
~ Charles Ramsay, Cleveland rescuer



Aside:  I wonder what the reaction would have been had Charles Ramsay's quote been attributed to a Caucasian?

Thursday 2 May 2013

Finally - a GREAT cathedral!

I've grown up in Christchurch & feel an affinity with the city.  Yet I'm completely bored by the seemingly endless bitching about the new/old cathedral.  I've seen the designs and don't think much of any of them.

I had to sit up and take notice when the Stuff website posted a picture of a proposed design for a new church in the city.


This glorious building is proposed to be built in Nunweek Park in Harewood.  I like it.

I had to laugh though, when I read the headline:


Church plans irk rugby club


Religion interfering with our national religion?  Surely not?

Bugger the rugby - let's have this building please!

Full story:

Wednesday 1 May 2013

Review: Under The Oaks Café (Oxford, NZ)


Situated in the picturesque rural town of Oxford in Canterbury (NZ), Under the Oaks Café is a nice place to enjoy coffee, brunch or something more substantial.

Atmosphere:

The building is fairly new and is situated on the High street of Oxford.  It has a clean and fresh feeling.   The oddly mismatched chairs and tables introduce a slightly quirky ambience.
The layout is good.  There is plenty of glass and a handful of outdoor tables to allow for indoor or outdoor relaxation. 
The building itself is raised well above the street, so views are commanding.  It’s a great place to enjoy the sun.
Local artworks adorn the walls.  It’s a very nice touch.
Music was overpoweringly loud on the day we visited.  I had to raise my voice to be heard when ordering.  Even conversation was affected.  Come on guys – it’s a café not a nightclub.  -1 point. 

Service:

Staff are courteous and friendly. 
An inexperienced cashier overcharged us by ringing up our coffees twice.  She was apologetic and refunded the difference without hassle when the mistake was pointed out.
Wait staff were very efficient and our food arrived extremely quickly.

Drink:

A latte and a mochachino were delivered in glasses, which I detest.  I want my coffee so hot that a handle on the cup is essential.  Both coffees were significantly below temperature so the glasses were handled easily.  Because of the temperature the overall the experience of coffee was poor.  -2 points.

Food:

Vegetable Fritata – Served with lettuce and dressing. Approx $7.  Excellent.
Homemade Creamy Vegetable Pie – Served with lettuce and dressing.  Approx $7.  Absolutely delightful.
Chicken Pie – Served with a light salad for $10.50.  Exquisite.

Overall Rating: 

7/10 with potential to improve (i.e. turn the music down, serve coffee in crockery and make them much hotter).  Food was well above expectation.